Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Being Yourself is ALWAYS The Answer

  I've spent a majority of my life being afraid of who I was.  Everything seemed so clear.  I had the whole world in front of me.  By the age of 14, I had a job doing something I really loved.  I'm a Tae Kwon Do instructor.  I have great connections, a good heart, and recently qualified to compete against the entire country in California.  I have a family who loves me.  It all just seems so perfect doesn't it? Well it's not.

At a young age I knew that I liked boys.  I never admitted it and I was all but myself to everyone I met.  Until I got to my senior year in high school, it didn't even really matter to me.  I was fine with just avoiding that part of my life and living a lie while maintaining my dream job.  I couldn't let that one thing interfere with everything I had worked so hard for. I had everything I had ever wanted, or so I thought.  This year, everything changed.  Everything in my life suddenly felt fake and I didn't even know who I was anymore.  I had built up this great big lie over the years.  Everyone knew me as just being bulletproof and letting nothing effect me.  People respected me for it because I "didn't get hurt by anything".
  As much as I wish they were right, they weren't.  I felt like none of my friends even knew who I was and I didn't know if they would still love me if I showed them the real me.  It got so bad to the point where I wouldn't even be able to fake a smile. When people would ask me what was wrong I would literally make up problems to try to get my feelings out, but I ended up just feeling bad about it later because it was all a lie.  The real problem was that I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror anymore.
  My best friend wasn't the most accepting person in the world either, but I had a crush on him and I wasn't going to let my secret get in the way of being his friend.  This year we stopped being friends, and not for that reason.  It was just random. He wouldn't tell me the real reason why but I assume it's because I was getting in the way of his new social status.  He was a huge social climber.  But you know how it is right? When you like someone and care about them, you only see the good things about them and ignore their flaws.
  I felt so alone for a long time.  I didn't know what to do because I felt so helpless and alone.  It had finally happened.  I started rethinking everything in my life while I lay in bed sobbing quietly so no one could hear me.  What was I doing?  Did anyone really love me? Or did they love the person they thought I was?
I decided the charade was over.  I called up a close friend of mine and I told her I was gay.  It was really hard, but she was super accepting. What did I have to lose anymore? For the first time, I was forced to deal with the demons I have been hiding my whole life.  Over the next few days I told more and more people.  It got easier every time.  Unfortunately, I lost a lot of my good friends because of it.

  No one would strictly tell me: "We can't be friends because you're gay" but I just knew things were changing and that they were trying to get away from me.  But as the famous line from Katy Perry's song "Firework" says: "After a hurricane, comes a rainbow."  I finally got the courage to tell my family. I'd have to say telling them was the hardest part, even though they all still treat me the same afterwards.  I've also gotten close with two of the most amazing people I've ever met and I'm proud to call them my best friends. After that, I was fearless.  I questioned my job, and unfortunately with all of the stereotypes for gay people I don't think it's the job for me.  I will always be a Tae Kwon Do competitor, but I don't think I can teach it.  I've decided to get back into some of my old hobbies like web design and writing.  It's been really great getting back to my creative side!
  I've always been a good teacher.  I'm just naturally gifted at helping people understand things and I really like to teach.  So I hope to combine my interests.  I want to help everyone find themselves and to love who they are. Anyone who knows me knows I am not money hungry.  I would rather live in a small apartment doing what I love than have a mansion with a job that I hate.  Money can go away in a heart beat, but your ideas, your brain, your heart, and your creativity are apart of you.

  Being yourself is always the answer! After all, if you lose everything because the whole world is crashing down on you, you always have yourself.  So make yourself great!   We were put on this planet to build off each other's ideas and create beautiful things no matter what our race, gender, sexuality, etc.  I think it's about time I give back to the world. I hope this will be a learning experience for me as well to help me become a more positive, healthy, and happy individual.  This will not be a blog where I talk and you read.  I want to build a community around the world and create a safe environment for people going through hard times.  We will be the next stage in human evolution.  We will base all of our principals on love and dedication. If I can just change one person's life with this blog, then I feel I have done my duty.

1 comment:

  1. You have changed mine! You are awesome, Donavan. I support whatever you do.